I am just one person out of billions on earth. Surrounded by powerful forces all around and in society, I often feel totally powerless and insignificant. My temptation is to simply fall into a comfortable routine and try my best to be happy. But I know that’s not right. I also know that God is all powerful, much greater than any group or institution in the world. He has given me talents, gifts, and abilities to invest wisely for His glory. I want to use them to truly make a difference, even if that means one person at a time-nothing grand-just God and me working together to change lives. However, I have been told recently that I have developed some bad habits, harmful to me, my relationship with God, and the people around me. My first response was denial. Then I made excuses (and am still making excuses), rationalizing my behavior as normal and expected, especially for someone in my situation. But I know I am just trying to convince myself, which is easy because I am a qualified manipulator and as gullible as they come…
Seeing another person’s problems is easy-it’s obvious. However, it is also easy to be blind to our own issues and shortcomings. I know that the only way to start working through that is to simply realizing where you are, and I do; at least I think I do. I feel as though I am realizing more and more, each day, where I am, and where I would like to be. I have come a long way in the last year (and even the past 3 months), but I’m still seeking my temptation, more than I am seeking truth. I absolutely know where I need to be, and how that looks, but I don’t long for it as passionately as I have in the past. Previously, as I have entered into a new season of my life, I would have this undeniable drive and motivation, but for some reason, I still feel jaded. Quite frankly, I really haven’t flipped the passion switch on yet, but I am driven to some degree. I see certain elements as a perfectly clear options, and most of which encompasses truth, but for some reason, I keep thinking that it’s what other people want for me. That it’s really not who or where I want to be.
You see this little girl? This little girl was very imaginative. She had a lot of ideas about who she wanted to be and couldn’t wait to take on the world! She wanted to grow up, be a teacher, get married, have a wonderful family, adopt a golden retriever, and live happily ever after in her amazing home with a front porch and white picket fence. Wow, how Americanized! Well, this little girl soon learned that world is a shitty place and that good people have very dark sides…Over time, she felt misplaced and confused and bound by fear. She never knew what the night would bring, and it scared her to death. She was often caught in the middle of horrific, violent, physically and verbally abusive arguments between two people where supposed to love each other. In most situations, she was the target of their anger and frustration. She never had anyone to talk to about anything that was going on, so she just endured. She lived…She hoped…and she desperately desired to become the opposite of what she was given. She never realized, though, that tucking all that pain away, would only result in her becoming exactly what she despised…
Over the course of my life, I feel as though I have been stripped of traditional experiences or ‘unofficial milestones’ of life. And because of that, I have attempted to pursue those ridiculous en-devours, at the wrong time, only causing more disappointment. I know that the temptation I currently seek is wrong. Completely and utterly inappropriate and meaningless. I guess I think back to this little girl. How she wanted to be carefree, but was burdened by circumstance. She was never taught (or even able to process in a healthy manner) how to emotionally and psychologically handle those experiences. I think about how I jumped into marriage at the age of 21, completely oblivious to reality and blinded by my heart. I was filled with a distorted filter of what marriage is and overflowed with unrealistic expectations of myself and my husband. Over the course of our marriage, we did a pretty good job of hiding what happened behind closed doors and ignoring the real issues. Now, that we have exposed ourselves to most of our family, friends, and professional counselors, I feel overwhelmed. Maybe because things are getting real? I don’t know, but I feel this desire to experience life in a way that doesn’t fit in my marriage. Am I doing this because I feel trapped and unsuccessful, or because I want to be reminded of the absolutely wonderful man that I have? I don’t know, honestly. I look at us and I feel as though we are doing fantastic individually, but what about together…?
I definitely feel that a lot of this is only proof that I have become stationary in my faith, even though God has warned me about the enemy. Despite popular representations, he is real and dangerous, a devouring “lion” often disguised as something good (1 Peter 5:8). God calls Satan a liar and the Accuser, and he uses both tactics in bombarding me, lying about God and reminding me of my failures and sins. I have felt under heavy attack, with the devil’s accusations swirling about in my mind and obstacles being placed in my way…The crazy thing is I KNOW the devil is no match for God, but I am still struggling to stomp on the enemies ideas, and move closer to God. I mean, how foolish is that?!? I KNOW that I am supposed to love my enemies, resist temptation, give godly counsel, stand for truth, serve others selflessly, steward my resources wisely, and more-all only possible by God’s grace and through his strength (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12). BUT WHERE IS MY PASSION TO OBEY THAT? It’s like I want it, but I don’t.
Anyway, I will leave you with this; my only prayer at this point. Holy Spirit, please empower me.
Until next time…adios!