Image credit: “safe” – © 2007 Paul Keller – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic
This image was pulled randomly by WordPress, when I clicked on a link that said, “inspire me”. I was curious to see what would happen. When the picture appeared on the screen, I first thought, ‘What the heck?’ Then, I looked at it for a little bit and started to think about Haiti, a country I visited in December of 2012. Mental images of my experience in Haiti started flooding my mind. I began thinking about the people I met (especially the children), the environment that surrounded them, and how I felt during that time. My heart was so open and extremely self-less. I could have stayed there, or traveled to several other countries, if I had the ability. I was so passionate about serving others. I had no problem speaking about our money hungry, materialistic, ego driven, American ways, in comparison to the humble, God filled, altruistic, grateful Haitians. Then, I started getting busy in my life…
My husband and I had packed our weeks and weekends with church, friends, work etc. We were very busy and very focused on each other. At that point, we had decided that we were going to be more proactive about ‘trying’ for a family. After trying for a few months, I discovered I was pregnant. We were excited, and I immediately went to get blood work to confirm. Almost instantly after that, I started having issues. I knew in my heart that the pregnancy was failing, but I was denying that and remaining hopeful. After going back for more blood work, I came home and tried to rest. I began pleading with God to give us the opportunity to know this baby, and to let this baby develop and live. I have never wanted something so much, as I did in that moment. When I got the results back, the nurse said that my levels were extremely low, and that they don’t even consider that being pregnant. Exceptionally offended, and emotionally overwhelmed, I hung up the phone and cried my eyes dry. After that, I had to return to the doctor to get another blood test – just to confirm their previous findings. When I was called, to hear the results, the nurse (very unsympathetically) said, “Your blood work came back negative for being pregnant.” And just like that, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It literally felt like I was pregnant for all of 2 seconds…what a crock! In that moment, I could feel my heart harden. I was devastated.
After that, I began losing myself at an accelerated rate. I was not the same person that had lovingly visited Haiti to be with Godly centered people. I mean, honestly, I was struggling at that point in my life anyway. I was mentally overwhelmed with so many family dynamics; both with mine and my husbands. Before this recent miscarriage, I had always struggled with ‘family things’ because it triggers a lot of my personal pain from my past. Personal pain that I never really dealt with until I started affecting the people around me. Which, unfortunately, was right around the time that this miscarriage happened. I thought that going to Haiti would center me, and bring me to a different level with God. You know, allow me to feel confident in my struggles going forward… But after coming back, and feeling like an opportunity was literally ripped from me with that miscarriage, I could no longer function in a stable manner. It probably didn’t help that this wasn’t my first miscarriage (but that story is for another time). I was gone…and nothing that anyone could do at that point, was going to help me. I needed to fall on my face, and seek for help, like a big girl.
Anyway, I sort of digressed while talking about Haiti and what followed in that next year. My point in this post is to acknowledge that not only does this picture remind me of Haiti, but it also reminds me of myself (maybe even blatantly displaying how I am two different people within about a years time). Honestly, I feel tarnish and misplaced; just like that safe. I mean, after living a life of constantly feeling emotionally defeated; to completely breaking down because I had, had enough; to being hospitalized, placed in treatment, and put on medication; and then facing my family and friends in an undesirable manner – yea… I had been exposed in the most abraded way possible. And it wasn’t just me looking in a mirror and being disgusted by what I saw. No. It was me standing in front of a window, so that everyone could gawk at me, at my most vulnerable, unattractive state, and listen to their judgments and opinions being thrown at me. Actually, it wasn’t like a window. I take that back…it was like throwing me into shark infested water, covered in blood…yea, that’s more like it…
Anyway, like I have said before. I am hear to write, because I still feel lost. For the past several months, I have been trying to implement what I have learned, work hard at letting people in (and not personalize their perspective), and spiritually figure out where I stand. I’m just not sure who I am right now, but I can feel pieces coming together. Yet still, at this moment, ‘I don’t know’ are my favorite words…
Until next time…Adios.
-S-
wisdomjoy 